Producers are necessary. They are almost an exact equivalent to a film’s director. An outside perspective, someone to tell you you’re right, you’re wrong, you’re brilliant, and talk shit on you when you go to the pisser. We’ve had like 5 producers in our day, and we’re about to have another one very soon. There’s a musical style and a working style that could not be more different with each guy we’ve worked with (I only say “guy” not to be sexist but because none of them were bitches) ((I only say “bitches” for a sexist comedic effect)) (((I know it wasn’t funny.)))
You can really identify what type of producer you’re dealing with by the studio he records in. Sure, you can take a greasy turd from his cramped, messy, flea-riddled, beautiful studio and give him a bunch of dials and fancy gear but your record wil SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME. No matter what. He’s an old dog that never learned any tricks or viable life skills. He plugs shit in. You will have bass hiss and snare rattle. His being alive is nothing short of complete luck and an astonishing amount of drugs. All of his records sound the same, and I mean sonically, because he only knows how to capture ONE SOUND. It’s up to you, the musician-type, to make it sound different, because even though all the records sound exactly the same, they’re all incredibly different because he records metal, punk, boy scout choirs, folk, country, dubstep, well not dupstep; and you can be absolutely sure that even though the bands are different genres, they are all completely broke.
Then there’s the guy with THE BOARD. Holy shit. The board. He has the Porsche of boards. Captain Tiny-Dick. Hyphenated last name — a divorcee. He’s also the record label’s guy and he’s pretty much a Jack-N-the-Box television commercial director. Did you hear his last 10 records since he got that board and a digital interface? Because if you have, then you’ve already heard YOUR next record. “But we’re different, man.” Not for long, G. Sonically, structurally, melodically, all of that shit — you’ve heard it before and you will soon be hearing it again.
Finally, there’s the HOME STUDIO guy. This guy is sometimes cross-pollinated with the greasy-turd producer or the board guy, but this bruiser works at home. He may as well be like a black-jack dealer sleeping in the casino. He’ll give you all the cards you need as long as you just hang out. All the time. He wants friends. He wants to show you his toys. “See that pre-amp over there? NO DON’T TOUCH IT! DO NOT TOUCH THAT!! It’s fucking awesome. We won’t be using that.” Fast forward three months of arguing: “This note! This note would be perfect coming through that pre-amp!! …okay, that didn’t work…” Do you like playing music? Well good, because you’ll be doing that a little under 3% of the time here. Do you like seeing guys play video games? Yeah, me neither. That’s 98% of the time with zero margin for error. And I’m not trying to make this sound bad, because this is by far the only way to go, and it’s incredible to get to do any of this, or be alive in general.
The Cat Psychiatric Center
Isn’t it just a little bit funny to think about cats having paranoid schizophrenia?
No, it’s not. It’s a horrible thought. You’re a horrible person. Incredibly insensitive, but please, keep reading, this is serious.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sat at a party (my bar mitzvah) listening to one human (my mom) tell another human (me) about their cat’s personality!
“She’s like a person!” She is not LIKE a person. She IS a goddamn cat.
The thing is, I am a cat person. I’m not a cat hater by any means of that phrase. I have a cat. I’ve lived with cats. How could you not love them…They’re like, little, amazing, stout-ass, despondent, temperamental, furry versions of dogs, but the incredible reality is that the cats that need the utmost attention, the kitties with disabilities, hardly ever get the treatment they deserve; nor the diagnosis, for that matter.
When people talk about their cat’s personalities, they don’t realize that they own a “Down’s Syndrome kittie,” A “Tourette’s cat,” a”Schizo Calico,” a “Manic-Depressive Meow-Meow.” These are not unique personalities. These cats have mental health problems. They’re out there, shitting in boxes just like every other normal cat, but they’re not “normal.” They’re suffering. Have you ever had your cat checked out? Explored the process? Taken the time to give your cat a little kitty ink-blot test? Or a personality disorder survey? It is time for some real cat mental health talk.
Besides writing blogs, playing Mike Tyson Punchout on Nintendo, and working the grave-yard shift at El Pollo Loco three nights/month, I do cat therapy groups. I run the groups, actually, but I also do one-on-one consultations and treatments. Just Mano-A-Toonces. (Toonces, the driving cat, was addicted to kittie heroin. We just couldn’t save him. It was ironic that he was always driving off a cliff in those SNL sketches. Ironic and awful…)
SO HERE’S HOW THE PROGRAM WORKS!
I own a full-body cat suit, equipped with real feline hair and dander, that I won in an Ebay bidding war against three of the world’s top cat therapists all of whom are located in the San Fernando Valley. That clearly makes me the best on the planet. I interact with the cats. I move into your house, I shit in the litter box, I give you a ton of attitude, shed hair everywhere, maul your couch, and I work 24/3(days a month) to connect with your cat(s) for a good seven months to a year. Maybe you’ll exploit me and make a crazy Youtube video that gets way fewer views than you think it deserves. The process is scientific, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be fun!
Now, I’m going to be fantastically honest with you here because I’m a straight-shooter —
I am a businessman/cat, so this service is INCREDIBLY expensive and totally DISPLACING and INCONVENIENT, but the service is also invaluable, and my numbers speak for themselves. 76% of my customers were unavailable for comment on whether or not they’d hire me again. 76%.
If this is something that concerns you, Cat call me and we’ll chat it out. I do free consultations with an $8,525.00 retainer.
CALL: THE CAT MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC @ 323.555.3132. It’s a pay phone located behind the Walgreens on Burbank Blvd. in Panorama City, CA. Ask for CATMAN.
Hasn’t your cat suffered long enough? :)?